You know that feeling when you and your partner are together, but something feels…off. You talk but don’t really connect. You’re physically present but emotionally distant. Maybe things aren’t bad, but they’re not exactly great either. Most couples don’t realize they’re growing apart until the distance becomes undeniable because disconnection rarely happens overnight.
At first, it’s subtle.
Your behavior changes:
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You used to kiss before leaving the house, but now it’s either a rushed goodbye or no acknowledgment.
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You used to check in throughout the day, but now, messages, if sent, are about logistics.
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You used to laugh more, touch more, talk more, without effort.
Your thoughts change:
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“They don’t care as much anymore.”
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“We’re just going through the motions.”
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“If they really loved me, they’d show it.”
When life gets busy, emotional deposits are often the first things to go. These little acts of care create an emotional buffer that helps people navigate stress, disagreements, and life’s inevitable ups and downs with grace instead of resentment. Over time, the absence of small moments of connection creates emotional distance, and once that space is there, it starts to change how people see each other.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, calls this the Negative Sentiment Override: couples feel negative about each other, are hypervigilant about the other’s negativity, and expect criticism or put-downs, no matter what they do or say. It happens when couples experience so much disconnection, unresolved tension, or emotional distance that they start assuming the worst about each other, even when it’s not true.
When this mindset takes hold, it affects how you see your partner and experience the entire relationship. Moments that once felt light now carry tension. Conversations that could bring you closer feel like they’re laced with unspoken frustrations. This state doesn’t mean your relationship is broken, but it does mean something needs your attention. Awareness is the first step to change.
If you’re wondering whether you’ve fallen into a Negative Perspective, I’ve created a quick assessment below.
But wait, there’s more.
In my next newsletter, I’ll share a 30-minute guided relationship reset. This step-by-step activity will help you and your partner identify where the connection has faded and create a simple daily habit to restore it.
This free guide will walk you through:
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Recognizing what’s creating distance
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Identifying small changes that make a big impact
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Choosing a daily action that strengthens connection
Be sure to keep an eye on your inbox.
Between you and me, if disconnection can happen in small, unnoticed ways, reconnection can, too.
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-Bev
Negative Perspective Quiz
Instructions:
For each statement, answer Yes or No based on how often it applies to you.
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Do you ever feel like your partner’s actions have some hidden agenda, even when they might not?
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When your partner does something nice, do you struggle to fully appreciate it or feel like it’s not enough?
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Do you feel like they don’t notice or appreciate you as much as they used to?
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Do little things they do, things that never used to bother you, get under your skin more now?
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Do you see their forgetfulness or mistakes as proof that they don’t really care?
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Do you find it hard to feel excited or happy when they put in effort because you still hold onto past disappointments?
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Do you focus more on what they don’t do rather than what they actually do?
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Even when you have a good moment together, do you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop?
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Do you feel like you’re always the one putting in effort and they’re just coasting?
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Do you feel distant or disconnected even when they try to be affectionate or show love?
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Do you keep track of who’s doing more in the relationship and feel frustrated when the balance feels off?
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When they say something neutral, do you ever assume there’s a hidden dig or meaning behind it?
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Do you ever wonder if they’re going through the motions instead of genuinely caring?
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When they don’t text back right away or seem distracted, do you assume it’s because they don’t prioritize you?
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When they laugh at something on their phone, do you ever feel like they’re more engaged with that than with you?
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Do you find yourself thinking, “They used to be so much more _________, what happened?”
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Do you sometimes pull away from physical touch if they initiate it or wonder if they do it out of obligation?
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Do you ever compare your relationship now to how it used to be and feel like it’s permanently changed for the worse?
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When you argue, do you feel like nothing ever really gets resolved?
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Does your relationship ever feel like it’s on autopilot, and you’re unsure how to fix it?
Assess Your Results
? 0-4 “Yes” Answers: A Mostly Positive Perspective
You still see the good in your partner and your relationship, even when things aren’t perfect. You might have moments of frustration, but you can balance them with appreciation.
? 5-9 “Yes” Answers: Early Signs of a Negative Perspective
You might be slipping into a pattern of assuming the worst about your partner, even when they mean well. This can slowly create more distance if left unchecked. Pay attention to how often you find yourself reading into their actions and see if there’s room for more grace.
? 10-14 “Yes” Answers: A Strong Negative Perspective
You’re likely feeling disconnected and struggling to see your partner’s efforts as genuine. If this continues, resentment can start taking over. It might be time to pause, reflect, and make small shifts before this pattern becomes your new normal.
? 15+ “Yes” Answers: Deeply Rooted Negative Perspective
You probably feel emotionally distant from your partner and stuck in a cycle of frustration and disappointment. At this point, even when they try, it may not feel like enough because your mindset has already shifted. A reset is needed, through conversation, intentional reconnection, or seeking outside support.
If you scored in the yellow, orange, or red range, don’t panic because this isn’t about blame. Just like disconnection happens gradually, so does rebuilding connection.
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